Quantum skeeters

 "Zika one, Zika one.  Zika two, over."

"Zika one.  What's up, Goose?"

"Maverick, I think we found him.  Nine o'clock, white and blue boat."

"Goose, I do believe you're right.  We should drop down for a closer look."

"On your six, Mav."

"Good eye, Goose, that's definitely him on the deck washing clothes."

"He hasn't lost any weight since Panama, has he Maverick?"

"No, Goose, he hasn't.  Let's buzz in for a visit."

*************

(Buzzing noises on deck.)  "Hi, Dave."

"Hey!  It's Maverick!  And Goose!  Haven't seen you guys since Panama.  What brings you to Fiji?"

"Actually we stowed away in Shirley's pubes.  Made getting through agricultural customs much easier."

"Yeah, and we met some new relatives.  That Crabb family was really nice, putting us up and all."

"That's right, Goose.  Nice kids.  Whole lot of nice kids."

"Speaking of relatives, maybe you guys could do me a favor."

"What's that, Dave.  Anything for our Panama Canal bro."

"Well some of your relatives are biting me at night and the results are really itchy bumps."

"Where are they biting, Dave?"

"Do I have to terll you?"

"Trust me, I'm a mosquito.  I've seen it all.  Especially after Shirley."

"Ok, they bite me wherever I touch the mattress.  If I lay on me side they bite me there.  If I lay on my back, they bite there.  Can you guys do an intervention or something?"

"Dave, let me put this in terms I think you can understand, ok?"

"Ok, Maverick, go ahead."

"So you know that massive objects like a star warp space-time and cause light rays to bend to follow the curvature, right?  Well, your hip, let's say, is a massive body to the foam in your mattress, causing it to warp from its normal two-dimentional configuration."

"I don't know if I'm following you, Maverick."

"Think about this:  Here's one of my relatives on his way for a trip.  He has his roll-on and his compass and all he wants to do is get across the great expanse of your mattress, maybe to his loving wife who is waiting with open arms - all eight of them, or whatever.  Then you lie down and your massiveness distorts his path.  He can't move directly to his hot BILF because of the inexorable tug downhill caused by the warped mattress.  So he spirals in further and further until he finally reaches the point where it's past lunchtime.  Now he's hungry and needs energy to work his way back up the distorted mattress toward his wife, who recognizes he's late and thinks he's having an affair.  So he opens up his roll-on and pulls out his knife and fork and looks around for something to eat.  Something like..."

"Me?"

"You."

"So my hip is responsible for the bites?  What if I laid on my back?"

"Pretty much the same argument, but I'd describe it in terms of an Event Horizon and a Black Hole."

"Now you're getting way too complicated for me."

"Oh, this is not complicated.  The Standard Model predicts that everything in the universe results from the interaction of quantum fields.  And you, Sir, are the Ass Boson."

"I don't think that's part of the Standard Model, Maverick."

"It is now.  Can a mosquito win a Nobel?"

"Well, if Obama could...  Goose, what's your take on this?"

"Dave, let me explain it in culinary terms.  You are a buffet.  At one end of the Dave buffet is the salad and the veggies, followed by the pasta - you know, the cheap filling stuff that the inexperienced diner loads up with to the delight of the restaurant owner.  At some point you get to the cold cuts. maybe some barbecued meatballs - are you following?"

"I'm not sure."

"Well, your hip is hot and moist from sweat, just like the prime rib that is at the end of the buffet table.  Our relatives are going for the beef, man!  They are even passing up the peel and eat shrimp!  We don't have dumb relatives."

"So how do I stop being a buffet?"

"Jack up the wine prices and go back to menu only.  Hey, speaking of lunching, we have to get going.  Shirley should be distracting some guy by now.  We like targets that are too exhausted to swat at us."

"Ok, guys, don't be strangers.  I'll try and assimilate this incredibly useful information."

*************

"Zika one, Zika one.  Zika two."

"Zika one.  Come in, Goose."

"Yeah, Maverick, do you think Dave understood any of that?"

 "Goose, he didn't have a clue what we were talking about."

"Yeah, that's what I figured.  Goose out."